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Woody Allen Quotes

100 Woody Allen Quotes That Highlight His Take On Life

Famous As: One of the World’s Most-Accomplished Filmmakers Known for His Unique Blend of Comedy and Style.

Born On: 1935

Born In: The Bronx, New York City, United States

Age: 88 Years

Woody Allen emerged as a popular comedian at the age of 15. His jokes published in a local paper fetched him about $200 per week, quite an amount for a teenager. However, this was just the beginning of a new success story. Comedian, musician, author, playwright, musician and an actor: there's nothing that Allen can't do? He is the guy who made monologues and stand-up comedy more famous than traditional jokes. Comedy Central ranks him fourth on the list of '100 Greatest Stand-Up Comedians of all Times'. After mastering slapstick comedies, he turned to European art cinema and New Hollywood. He's best known for his performances in 'Hanna and her sisters', 'Match Point', 'The Purple Rose of Cairo', 'Annie Hall' and 'Stardust Memories'. Today, he's the pride owner of nine British Academy of Film and TV awards and four Academy Awards. He was recognized for his funniest screenplays and Hollywood critic Roger Ebert termed him as the true treasure of Western cinema. Though his sense and style hasn't changed in last few years, he continues to inspire us with his views on filmmaking, arts and humor. We’ve collected some of Woody Allen's best quotes; some of them come from his films, while other quotes have been curated from his everyday life. Almost all of these Woody Allen quotes have to do with sex, death, or God, which are three of Allen’s favorite subjects.

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I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I
Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
I
Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Life Art
Woody Allen

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Love
Woody Allen

To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
You God
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
You God
Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
Woody Allen

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
God
Woody Allen

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
Love Women
Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Life I
Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
You Love
Woody Allen

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
You I
Woody Allen

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
You
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
I
Woody Allen

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
I
Woody Allen

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
You
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Believe I
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
You
Woody Allen

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Never
Woody Allen

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
You
Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Experience Love
Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Life
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Me God Like
Woody Allen

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Love Time I
Woody Allen