62 Jon Stewart Quotes That Reveal His Wit & Humor
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.
Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.
To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.
To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.
The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain
And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?
If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
