36 Famous Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld That Will Leave You Splitting A Gut
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.
It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
The best revenge is living well.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
No soup for you
You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
I chose not to run
A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
