Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Home»
Craig Ferguson Quotes

100 Funny Quotes By Craig Ferguson, The Author Of American On Purpose

Famous As: Actor

Born On: 1962

Born In: Springburn, Glasgow, Scotland

Age: 62 Years

Craig Ferguson is a television personality, who is famous for being a standup comedia, actor, producer and voice over professional. He was born in Scotland in 1962 and initially performed in the UK, before moving to the United States at the age of 21. He started off as a drummer for a musical band but later on switched to standup comedy. He found success with The Craig Ferguson Show and later on the show 2000 Not Out among others. Ferguson then went to the US and it was with The Drew Carry Show that he became a well-known face in the American comedy circuit. He has also acted in several films and some of them include Niagara Motel, Chaine of Fools, The Ugly Truth and Lenny the Wonder Dog among others. Other well-known shows that he has hosted include The Late Night Show With Craig Ferguson, Join or Die With Craig Ferguson and Celebrity Name Game. Ferguson is currently regarded as one of the world’s most prominent standup comedians and his shows are consistently well received by a varied audience across the world. Here are some of the best quotes from Craig Ferguson.

Listed In:

Actors

Film & Theater Personalities

Media Personalities

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
Love I
Craig Ferguson

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Me Like I
Craig Ferguson

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
Fear
Craig Ferguson

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Love I
Craig Ferguson

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
You Life Think I
Craig Ferguson

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
I
Craig Ferguson

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
I
Craig Ferguson

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
Think I
Craig Ferguson

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry
You
Craig Ferguson

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
Trying
Craig Ferguson

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
I
Craig Ferguson

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Family Like I
Craig Ferguson

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
I
Craig Ferguson

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
Love Like I
Craig Ferguson

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
Think I
Craig Ferguson

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
Think I
Craig Ferguson

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Craig Ferguson

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...
Craig Ferguson

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
I
Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Craig Ferguson

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
Time Like I
Craig Ferguson

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
Craig Ferguson

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
Craig Ferguson

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
You
Craig Ferguson

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012
Craig Ferguson

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.

Whoever I had become had to die.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
I
Craig Ferguson

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
Craig Ferguson

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
You Think Time I
Craig Ferguson

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
I
Craig Ferguson

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.

I do have a knack for finding great women.

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.
Me Women I
Craig Ferguson